Medical Absurdist Gifts

"I'm waiting for a bed."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

Virtual Doctor

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

"I've added an additional response to the doc's health questionnaire. It's called 'Mind Your Own Business.'"

Nonsense Poem

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

Healthcare workers come to the N.H.S. Fancy dress party dressed as viruses.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

A sick sandwich is in the hospital and is getting a transfusion on new Maya and Zesty Mustard.

'Could you ask him where he left the remote?'

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'Yes I'm afraid this room is bugged, but don't worry, it's just Clostridium Difficile'

'I don't know about this new computer inventory system. It just ordered a thousand left handed four fingered surgical gloves.'