Medical Satire Enthusiast Gifts

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'

'Conventional medicine says take an aspirin. In the absence of tort reform, defensive medicine says MRI and Cat Scan.'

'Botched attempt is correct. But can anyone suggest a more family-friendly way of describing what happened?'

'I understand you've had some trouble with your breast implants.'

'This one was real stubborn. Had to up his medication three times before he'd agree to sign the liability waver.'

'I gave it a healthy dose of denial, but it didn't help.'

'It's worse than a piece of surgical equipment. We accidentally left the surgeon inside you.'

Medication.

'Yours is an elective surgery, so we're still deciding if we feel like doing it or not.'

'I'm upgrading your condition fro stable to malingerer.'

"For the last time you cannot catch a computer virus."

'There - you can reach for wallet without any trouble at all.'

"Oh my, no ..I don't actually treat anyone anymore.. With the cost of malpractice insurance, I send them all to specialists!"

"I'm afraid we've had to move him to expensive care."

Man sees sign on hospital: 'Heart Surgeons Wanted' 'Immediate Openings'

Make him take 16 of these a day until we feel a bit better about what we're doing to him.

"Mr Miller has bowel trouble."

"Before you ask for another pillow, Mr. Johnson, ask yourself this: Do I really need it?"

'The medical reimbursement system is sick and there is no race for the cure.'

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

'I need a second opinion. Is this an obscene phone call or a patient with a respiratory problem?'

Patient's meal.

"Can you please identify which hand was mistakenly amputated."

"I blame the nurses."

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'I take it that it's not good news doc'

'I'm afraid that your irritable bowel syndrome has progressed. You now have furious and vindictive bowel syndrome.'

'You should have come to me sooner.' (doctor)

45% of GPs Ignore Nice Hypertension Guide.

'One of the great things about homeopathy is that because the remedies don't actually do anything there's no need to worry about nasty side effects.'

'Side effects'

'For seventy-five more dollars we can turn this into a Singing Angiogram.'

Gynecology pigeon hole

Man asks doctor for second opinion of Alzheimers.

'Before you get dressed my nurse will administer a mild shock treatment.'