Medical Satire Lover Gifts

"We're running a little behind, so I'd like each of you to ask yourself, 'Am I really that sick, or would I just be wasting the doctor' valuable time?'"

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

In the dark days, before doctor-patient confidentiality.

"Nobody's picking on you. The injections are to help you get well. I'm sure the nurses don't enjoy it any more than you."

'I don't need informed consent to give you a sponge bath.'

"Unfortnuately, we won't know what's wrong with you until we do an autopsy."

'When this line goes flat and the beeping stops, call me.'

"People make a fuss about qualifications but with a bit of common sense anyone can do what these medical types do!"

"Congratulations! I think we got it all."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"You should just feel a tiny prick, and then a lifetime of morphine addiction."

Transplant: "I think we'll be able to convince the donor..."

"You'll find my bedside manner improves greatly when you're no longer contagious."

'See? You missed one. When you pull the plug, be sure to pull them all.'

"I feel your pain level."

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"The food tastes like cardboard, it's way too noisy in here....and when can I see a real doctor!!??"

'Sleep well, Mrs. Krantz. When you wake up again your heart will be as good as new!'

'Relax. We had lunch during your surgery. That's a burger, not a gall bladder in the doggie bag.'

'Won't heal if you keep scratching it.'

"There's only one cure for insomnia...you need to get more sleep."

Drove the nurses crazy.

Thanks to your microwave leaking radiation, you are cancer free!'

"Hello, I'm Dr. Jones...assisting me today will be the hospital's CFO, Mr. Peters."

'Admit it Henderson, it's your first time isn't it.'

'I suggest you celebrate your birthday as soon as possible!'

"Very funny."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Ok, interns, this elderly female presents with symptoms stemming from drosophila ingestion. Thoughts? Prognosis?'

'Tails it is. OK, that's how we'll take your temperature.'

"Not to worry, ma'am. We're far from exhausting our treatment options."

'It doesn't look good, Bob!'

"We did everything we could."

What the patient got... What the patient wanted... What the nurse told the patient to expect... What insurance covered... What the intern charted... What the patient needed.