Medical Satire Fan Gifts

"Ever had a paper cut? It's hell."

"Your medical records are safe with us. We take patient privacy very seriously."

"It wasn't really insulin. You don't have diabetes yet. It was just a warning shot."

'I hope these make you feel better, because they're all you're getting.'

Side Effects

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'Hmm...yes, I'm afraid it is a sign of cancer.'

'I'm afraid there's not much I can do for you now. You should've come in sooner, before you got sick.'

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

'The Angina Monologues'

"My doctor told me to avoid any unecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Don't worry. After we run some tests, we'll know for sure what's causing your headaches.'

"Hope you don't mind an audience. This is, after all, a teaching hospital."

Cosmetic brain surgery

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'Your disease is so rare, there hasn't even been a TV drug ad for it yet.'

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'Now don't go out if it's windy.'

"The brain tumor's incurable, but let me give you something for that dandruff."

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

'I have good news and bad news. The good news, you're not a hypochondriac...'

"It's a little late for a second opinion - this is the autopsy."

'We're very worried about your hormone levels.'

'I knew it was a rash decision, but I went with it anyway.'

'Obstetrics and gynaecology' arrow 'Down there'

'It's just a simple operation. Routine. Boring. I'm only doing it for the money.'

"I don't care if it is near the holidays. Stop calling the patient's liver a 'giblet'!"

"We are all of the same opinion, Ms. Beckwith. What's more, we look like America."

"There's no easy way I can tell you this, so I'm sending you to someone who can."

"Why don't I just tell you the treatments I'm willing to do and we'll assume I have whatever disease that's good for!"

'Your digestive problems are caused by parasites called 'giardia' and my high fee is caused my parasites called 'malpractice lawyers'.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'