Matrimonial Agent Gifts

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

She - Interpreter - He.

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

'You've changed since we got married.'

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

"You're looking at the next Bob Dylan."

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

'I have Tourette's, and they play backup.'

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

It's obvious anniversaries are the lynchpin of the big oil conspiracy. What? Husbands forget them. Which leads to wives pummeling them. Which leads to men making sure they don't forget again. All you had to do was mark it in your calendar! What do you think pens are made of? Pummeling will now commence.

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

'-but I keep telling you-these things take time...'

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"He just married me on the rebound."

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"You forgot to say ‘and they lived happily ever after.'"

"It's not what you think."

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"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'