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Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

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"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

'You've changed since we got married.'

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

"You're looking at the next Bob Dylan."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

'I have Tourette's, and they play backup.'

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"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"It's not what you think."

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

'-but I keep telling you-these things take time...'

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

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"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"You forgot to say ‘and they lived happily ever after.'"

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

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