Masterpiece Mocker Gifts

"This is a piece of crap."

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

The Adventures of God

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

Raphael

"What do you mean?! That apology is the best piece of fiction I've ever written!"

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves!"

'Are you sure it's non-drowsy? I cannot afford to oversleep...'

Masterpiece?

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

"When Van Gogh had insomnia he created masterpieces."

"But is it art?"

Mountain escalator.

A Dummy Corporation.

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

Earplugs £2 a Pair

"I like your paperweight, Watkins..."

"No, wait. I always get this mixed up. The manet was five point nine. The Monet was three flat."

Christo's greatest challenge.

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

'This is the museum's vault of 'Mislaid Masterpieces' which we 'come across quite by chance' from time to time.'

"I wish I could do hands..."

"This would look great on out wall. . . when it's finished!"

'How much longer.'

"You're right, it does play with light and shadow while upending conventions of abstraction, but you're still under arrest."

"So help me, Henderson, if you sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' one more time..."

'The cross doesn't affect him. Let's try with a Star of David.'

Of all the days to sleep in!

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

Severe Food Criticism.

"I could see finding him a cool guy if I wasn't married to him."

'Hmm...needs refining.'

Freak Show