Married Life Adventurer Pillows

"Never ask a retired archaeologist to go find something in the basement."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

'Don't let the photo put you off, it was taken when he was under the spell of a wicked witch.'

Kissing the Blarney Stone.

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"I'm sorry about all this. It's my animal magnetism."

"The cheek of him! At the end of the first date, he wanted me to go to his home to roost!"

The perfect man

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

"Teri tells me you're ostensibly straight.."

"I'm looking for a data plan that will be constantly out of service so I can tell my dates I didn't mean to ghost them."

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"She said don't forget the straw."

Russian Dating.

"Monogamy works for me, but it doesn't work for Enid."

Mate Mart

'I now pronounce you hooked and booked.'

'C'mon, Larry - you knew the risks when you promised to be my wingman.'

'Does it bother you that I use wadded tissues as pillows?'

Mrs. Almighty.

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

"Everybody's just a teensy bit in love with me. How about yourself?"

"Don't you think after thirty years of marriage you could stop referring to me as 'the military'?"

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

Borrow the Bag?

"That's the worst pickup line I've ever heard!"

'My mother always told me if it ain't broke, date it.'

"Anything to declare aside from ever-lasting love and devotion to each other?"

'We tried living together, but that didn't work so we've decided to get married.'