Marriage-satire-seeker Gifts

"We're looking for a ceremony less drastic than marriage?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

As long as there are husbands, we'll get our's money's worth!

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Yes ... no!"

'...better or worse...better or worse...better or worse...'

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"We didn't spend much time together when we first got married, so we're making up for lost time. We now have a date night 300 days a year."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'No, there isn't a probationary period!'

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

So all is not rosy in the garden?

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

Kindly readers, our resident counselor, Sadie Cohen, will be answering actual questions sent to her via email. Prepare to get an earful of wisdom! Dr. Sadie, I am in a relationship with a beautiful woman who I wish to marry but am still reeling from my first marriage scares me. How do I get over that fear? Signed, Fearful in Salt Lake City. Fear is a worthless emotion. It doesn't help at all. What you should be feeling is terror. Run for your life.

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

Apply to marry multi-marriage failure.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

Gender Symbols

'I'm not the sitting tenant, I'm your husband.'

"I married for contrast."

Google Translate for Marriagese

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"What ever happened to 'Never go to bed angry'?"

"I'm looking for the kind of relationship that won't interfere with government regulations."

"I agreed to 'for better' and 'for worse,' but never to 'for mysterious' and 'withholding'."