Marital Humor Seekers Gifts

"I've tried everything. I even gave him a new coat of paint but it was no use... Gary is still rickety and ugly."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"I warned you not to buy your top hat and tails from that ex magician!"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"No heroic measures."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'