Marriage Hardship Gifts

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Wanna talk about it?

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'Will I still be married?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

Diplomacy

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'We don't text anymore.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'