Marriage Bureau Staff Gifts

'-but I keep telling you-these things take time...'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

'You've changed since we got married.'

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"He just married me on the rebound."

It's obvious anniversaries are the lynchpin of the big oil conspiracy. What? Husbands forget them. Which leads to wives pummeling them. Which leads to men making sure they don't forget again. All you had to do was mark it in your calendar! What do you think pens are made of? Pummeling will now commence.

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

"You will awake feeling refreshed...."

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

'Objection over-ruled!'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."