Marital Spat Specialist Gifts

"Let's just drop it, Andrew, and leave it to future historians to decide which of us was right."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

Diplomacy

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

"All parents fight."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

When boomerangs argue.

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

"Ah-ha! Just in time to make my dinner!"

Gloria wants us to go on the "Dr. Phil" tv show for relationship counseling. I know he would side with her, so I said the only way I would go on is if he agrees to call me "Mr. Lance."