Marital Spat Gifts

"You can't buy forgiveness with airline miles, Charles."

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."

Diplomacy

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"Let's just drop it, Andrew, and leave it to future historians to decide which of us was right."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

'Stay, Rusty!'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'It's a surprise for my husband, he isn't going.'

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Give it all you got is the motto of my wife's divorce attorney."

'We need to talk.'

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

'He left me five minutes after he got his new National Health glasses.'

"Your wife said 'Shoot the clown of all I care.' But I'm sure can negotiate there."

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

'He left me for a guy. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.'

"Well. Firstly, I can't take the case because I'm not a divorce lawyer and secondly, I'm your husband."

"After 40 years of marriage, she told me I had "husband ears" and left!"

'When you finally decided to communicate, neither of you said anything worth listening to?'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"Sorry. No refunds."

'It looks as if they want an out of court settlement.'

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'