Marital Skeptic Gifts

Knife splits newly weds on wedding cake

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Marriage least expected to last...

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

Cupid misses his shot.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

Yes, but.

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."