Marital Skeptic Gifts

Knife splits newly weds on wedding cake

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Marriage least expected to last...

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

Cupid misses his shot.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

Yes, but.

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."