Marital Mechanic Gifts

'I don't accept your insurance but they say anything can be repaired by duct tape.'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Objection over-ruled!'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

"I'm leaving you. I would have told you earlier but the time just never seemed right."

'Disappointed? You ask if I'm disappointed? Well, Arthur, after 38 years of patiently peeling away one onion layer after another, I'll admit I HAD hoped there was something more that a tough, green sprout-thingie at your core!'

"Our marriage has been experiencing a spot of turbulence lately."

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

"Howard may have a few miles on him, but I'm not ready for a trade-in just yet."

"Look, like I keep telling what's-her-name here, we don't have a marriage problem."

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

'You say he's stubborn, mean, cantankerous, won't take orders, sometimes won't move? Are you talking about your mule or your husband?'

"This is just like you, beverly. We're supposed to meet alone and you bring your attorney."

"I admire your devotion to duty."

The End is Near...You Wish.

'To you, it's alphabet soup...to me, it's verbal abuse.'

'Stand up straight!'