Marital Maverick Gifts

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

Does "worldly goods" include intellectual property?

Counseling $10. This end up. I think we're making progress. I want to kill you both.

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

'Do you cater weddings?' Why the groom is never put in charge of anything.

"We can go with the hormone-replacement therapy or skip straight to the husband replacement."

"Actually, that doesn't constitute a crime; but I do hope your wife returns your hopes and dreams."

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'To be totally honest, our ship of matrimony is taking on water.'

Lady vicar offering new bride a husband owner's manual.

"I've just finished crafting a non-violent solution to our problems."

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

The End is Near...You Wish.

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

Knife splits newly weds on wedding cake

Why do my wife's lips move when I'm talking.

"... And the only time he takes me out, is to bring me here!"

"Now that I've moved my files down here to the basement, we'll be able to spend a lot more time together."

'Say it with Timber'

"Do you Death, take this woman until life do you part?"

'I recommed that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life.'

Ok, it is a 'Man's World,' but I can't always excuse myself to go powder my nose!

'I don't accept your insurance but they say anything can be repaired by duct tape.'

'Marriage licenses are $10. and up. Do remember that you get what you pay for.'

No, Ernie, it's not an omnious start to a marriage when a bride chooses to "take" her husband's name --- He can still continue to use it.

"I'm not kidding, Phil! You really ARE the poster child for middle-aged, disillusioned and down-hearted businessmen everywhere!"

"You're so negative, Charles."

"It was my worst nightmare. Then I realized I wasn't asleep!"

"She's just waiting for him to be worth divorcing."

"Hey, honey! I thought of something else you can put on your restraining order."