Marriage Maverick Gifts

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

'Marriage licenses are $10. and up. Do remember that you get what you pay for.'

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

"She's just waiting for him to be worth divorcing."

No, Ernie, it's not an omnious start to a marriage when a bride chooses to "take" her husband's name --- He can still continue to use it.

'I recommed that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life.'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

See? Whenever he's mad at me, he turns off his Touch ID sensor.

"Arthur, I need my space."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

Counseling $10. This end up. I think we're making progress. I want to kill you both.

Does "worldly goods" include intellectual property?

"Damn it, Gwendolyn, you know when you married me I only moved one square at a time."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

'All he wants is sex, sex, sex!'

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'I now pronounce you hooked and booked.'

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

'Do you cater weddings?' Why the groom is never put in charge of anything.

'Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each others' points of view, and we always think for ourselves... isn't that right, honey?'

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

From marriage, straight to the counselor.

"I think your tailor has seriously miscalculated your rise, Herbert."

'Every weekend he's off hunting with his buddies! I never see him!!!'

'If I were you I'd poison the bastard!'

'Dear, your ego is stepping on my shoes again.'