Marriage Wizard Gifts

'Now that you're married you should have insurance.' - 'But my wife isn't dangerous.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Okay, I'll admit I was wrong. But I won't say what I was wrong about.

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Take your time. Do you see the person who made you wear that dress?"

"OK, now what?"

Personal Relationship Counsellor

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

Parson and abandoned husband

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

"I warned you not to buy your top hat and tails from that ex magician!"

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

"I'm going to New Zealand for a walk."

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"Your wife is in overly critical condition."

'Every weekend he's off hunting with his buddies! I never see him!!!'

"Are you seeing anyone?"

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"