Marital Detective Gifts

"It doesn't look good. They asked for separate checks."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

$1: Family Secrets

Newlyweds. . . 10 Years Married. . . 25 Years Married. . . 50+ Years Married.

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

Those missing socks...where do they go?

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

Darlene, my intelligence tells me that your fiance is a slob. What intelligence, Rudy? Surveillance photos – dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink. That's my Mel? How did you get those? Top-flight government spy methods. House of Java.net Cybercafe.

Generation Ex.

"Is there anyone else in your life I should know about?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

'Roger, I think we need to talk about your trouble with intimacy.'

"It's not what you think."

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'I don't know what they see in her. . . I think I'll take a closer look.'

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'