Marital Changes Gifts

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"Do you think your big lottery win's going to change your life at all, dear?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

'Will I still be married?'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

Parson and abandoned husband

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Diplomacy

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

'Stay, Rusty!'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'