Marital Changes Gifts

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"Do you think your big lottery win's going to change your life at all, dear?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Luke Skywalker- Matrimonial Law

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

Parson and abandoned husband

'Will I still be married?'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

Diplomacy

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

'Stay, Rusty!'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"