Marital Dynamics Gifts

'And that, Sir, is the main thrust of my argument.'

Greg sleeps on the couch.

"Doing something never solves anything."

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"My husband's ill, so I'm standing in for him."

"Gifts like this ought to keep me humble."

"Here comes my next door neighbor, Frank. I bet he's gonna complain about how his wife shrinks everything."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

Awkward First Dates

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

Monogamy

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'But you have your own drawer - what greater display of commitment could you want?'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"