Marriage Dynamics Fan Gifts

'Your wife doesn't understand you? Thick, is she?'

How you can tell when someone else buys your clothes.

"Henry, are you listening to me?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

A child as a pet substitute.

"Nothing else in my room can spin on the floor like a bottle."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

'So, you're an organ-grinder's monkey? A professional beggar? Is that how you intend to support my daughter?'

"We need to have a serious talk."

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

"The kids - Prince Englebert and Princess Felicia - would like us to move into the olde monarchs' home."

Bears: 'Mummy, mummy can I sleep over at Jessica's this winter.'

'You can't keep rescuing him. If he really wants help, book him an appointment.'

Well, obviously we can't live with my parents

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"...and then while I was at soccer practice they moved house."

"I thought we agreed we wouldn't tell your Dad about the Easter Bunny till next year."

'The coalition of the willing.'

'Yoy know perfectly well WHICH corner, Jamie!'

'It's good, Timmy, but it's not refrigerator good.'

"Dad, here's that update on my childhood you requested."

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

"Daddy can't help you, son. Daddy's a product of the 'me' generation."

'We're identical twins, but I'm luckier than he is!'

Mom's Mortuary

'I love all of your brothers and sisters, but you're my favorite.'