Mall Martinet Gifts

'I love shopping for clothing I don't need with money I don't have.'

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'

Balancing two espresso martinis

Stuff: You Don't Really Need But Still Don't Have.

"Sure, shopping online is faster and cheaper, but there's something almost sensuous about carrying an armload of packages!"

"Some fitting room. Nothing fits!"

Pirates at the mall.

Mall Directory: You are here, but your mind is somewhere else.

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

Cars follow the sign to the mall rather than the sign to the manger.

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'We're dangerous when we shop. We're really really dangerous when we don't shop.'

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

Mall: "We always hold hands - If I let go, she shops."

Welcome to the real world. What just happened? Where am I? The Mall. The Mall. We've been shopping – in person. Not the kind of shopping where you order things on your phone and have them sent to your house. this is the jungle! And you didn't last five minutes! You were laid out by some geezer hustling to the grocery section to get a special deal on prune juice! E-commerce has made you soft! I've got a scratch on my iPhone.

Sally and her fashionista friends get to me. Save our mall! Ignore them! Let's take your mind off them. Don't even think it! I know. Going shopping would be wring. Does ordering online count.

Just think! If the mall goes bust, what happens to all that paved-over land? Save our mall. We could roll up the asphalt and start a huge nature preserve. What about current wildlife? Hmm�You're right. I don't think the endangered species act covers mall rats.

Eating the Cocktail Olive

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

'Your operation is delayed for a couple of hours... there's a big sale at the mall down the street and all the nurses are down there.'

Cat eyes up cocktail olive.

"My religion? I'm a consumerist, first reformed midwest synod. We pray facing the Mall of America."

'Everything must go...manners included!'

New Mall

What's this about? The recession is devastating chain stores. Save our mall. They're the lifeblood of teen culture as we know it. What are your solutions? We're having a massive shop-in this Saturday! Shop 'til you drop. Big $$. Like a day of service? Exactly! But you'll feel even better about yourself.

'I'm going to need backup on two. 'The situation' is escalating.'

'We're conducting a shopper-flow study for the new giant Oakdale mall.'

"Whenever someone scoffs at dreaming the impossible dream, I tell them to think of Bloomingdale's –the way it was long, long ago, and the way it is now."

'And I got this scar when I got in a crush of plump women rushing to buy Leviathongs at the mall sale...'

"excuse me...what town am i in..?"

James Bond: The Cutback Years

Look, honey! I've been shopping off-line!

"I can't believe we're doing this."

"Here we will build our mall."