Mall-goer Humorist Gifts

"This is a peaceful mall, bub. 'Complaint Departments' only exist in the OTHER place."

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'How much would you take off for cash?'

Don't tell my wife. Dragon head.

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

"Sorry, Martin, but because you're the weakest link in our food chain here, you're fired."

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'The stuff legends are made of'

"Today, the yen shot up on news it is spelled differently from the 'Yuan'."

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

Seven deadly sins store

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'

Great moments in shopping

Low income vampires.

We Offer Fast, Friendly Or Quality Service! "So, which one do you want?"

I'm sorry sir, store rules. No 'Stairway to Heaven'.

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

Free Range / Deranged

That was 16 items.

'In today's stocks... small caps rose on news big company stocks fell...'

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

"I say my dear, would you pass me some ice please - the fresh stuff, not that frozen rubbish."

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

The 29p Shop

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

"Did you say 'plummet', Mr. Casey? We don't use that word around here. We say 'downtick'."

'Is this milk fresh?' - 'An hour ago it was grass.'

"If I keep predicting a market crash, eventually I'll have to be right!"

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

"If you want something firmer, I suggest you try our flooring department."

Fresh milk - Self service

Hand baskets only lane in hell.