Mall Humorist Gifts

Skeleton on an out of order escalator.

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Gee, thanks pal."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'I want to claim for black marker pens.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."