Mall-goer Humorist Pillows

"This is a peaceful mall, bub. 'Complaint Departments' only exist in the OTHER place."

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'How much would you take off for cash?'

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

"Sorry, Martin, but because you're the weakest link in our food chain here, you're fired."

'The stuff legends are made of'

"Today, the yen shot up on news it is spelled differently from the 'Yuan'."

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'

Seven deadly sins store

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

Great moments in shopping

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

We Offer Fast, Friendly Or Quality Service! "So, which one do you want?"

Low income vampires.

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

I'm sorry sir, store rules. No 'Stairway to Heaven'.

Free Range / Deranged

That was 16 items.

'In today's stocks... small caps rose on news big company stocks fell...'

The 29p Shop

"Did you say 'plummet', Mr. Casey? We don't use that word around here. We say 'downtick'."

'Is this milk fresh?' - 'An hour ago it was grass.'

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

"I say my dear, would you pass me some ice please - the fresh stuff, not that frozen rubbish."

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

"If I keep predicting a market crash, eventually I'll have to be right!"

"If you want something firmer, I suggest you try our flooring department."

Fresh milk - Self service

Hand baskets only lane in hell.

"I can't find anything on line. I'm going to the mall."