Lover Of Useless Facts Gifts

"I'm a social scientist, Michael. That means I can't explain electricity or anything like that, but if you ever want to know about people I'm your man."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Before the Internet

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Extreme Sisyphus

"Now you can send it."

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

A convenient attack of swine flu...

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

Baseball.

'I predict that the next big trend will be spontaneous non-existence.'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

UFO and snowman

Operation.

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

'We're getting closer - That's a goldfish.'

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

'I've made a radio using coconuts, salt water, and a trout.'

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

Trapeze artists commuting

PODs Venn Diagram

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

Albert should have known that cactuses rarely have change. Besides, they prefer jazz.

"I'd like to donate my body to comedy."

'Man, this elevator goes on forever...'