Useless Knowledge Hoarder Gifts

Before the Internet

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Inside One's Memory Bank

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

'We'll take two sets, for upstairs and downstairs.'

"I'm a social scientist, Michael. That means I can't explain electricity or anything like that, but if you ever want to know about people I'm your man."

"No, wisdom is not hereditary, it's something you need to earn yourself..."

"I'll need all the information you can find on why I need so much information."

"I'm sorry-his I.Q. is actually on the charts."

''Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense' Thomas Huxley, 1825-1895.'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

"Hi honey, do we need anything for the junk drawer?"

"My father said I was too big for my britches!"

"I plan to retire when bank robbery becomes legal!"

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

"I don't think you're getting the point of this exercise."

'I made a backup disc. Then I realized I wanted a backup of the backup. Then I decided just to be safe, to make a backup of that backup...'

'These disks contain backups of all my financial records in 25 different software programs. . . I need to make a deposit to your computer.'

"Mother, take your time, I know this isn’t easy for you. But this is an important moment in our lives, so I will ask you one more time, what on earth did you do with my old comic books?!"

"Run! My laptop is so full of apps, downloads, old documents, screenshots and junk files, it's about to explode!"

'A couple of years ago, nobody knew anything. Now, everybody wants to know everything.'

music store

"Before I was Socrates, I was Socrates the adjunct professor struggling to get tenure."

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

Computer announces to user: 'You now have more files than Al Capone had under his pillow in Alcatraz.'

"It's all in my book, but its out of print."

'I have a B.A. in indifference, an M.A. in obstinacy and I'm currently working on my doctorate in defiance.'

"I save all my old computers, monitors and devices. I have a hard time letting go."

'It's come to out attention that you've been hoarding intellectual properties."

"You have 2,974 tabs open. I suggest closing about 2,970 of them. That may speed up your computer."