Lonely Hearts Club Member Gifts

Missed callers on a desert island.

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'Boy, this is the last time I ever answer my own personals ad.'

Snub Marine

the ventriloquist

Welcome to Burt Jenkins: Pop. 1.

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'Eat at my place, I'm very lonely'

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just big on personal space.'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

ONE HORSE TOWN

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Drinking Companions

Meeting at the Grumpy Old Men's Pub.

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

"One more thing...don't upset the bouncer!"

'Sigh - Yes, I will probably be dying alone.'

Cricket wife's revenge 9

"Plenty of fish"

"I wonder why the kids named me Mourinho? I hope it's not because I'll only last a few days..."

'I HATE Spring cleaning!'

"Sorry - you're just not my type...!"

'Is this the Lonely Hearts Club?'

I use to file your expenses at the office Mr. Henderson, but I never dreamed I'd be one of them.

'Some people don't like working from home - they go a bit mad with the solitude.But I've got you, haven't I Mr Floppity Ears.'

'I told you that nobody would show up.'

First singles bar! 'I ain't married!'

Liverpool FC Chairman - "It's Man United, they want to know if we've any trophy cabinets going spare."

'This next song's for anyone who's feeling a little lonely right now.'

'I had a very lonely childhood. I was an only twin.'

Day 14 of self-isolation and the cat still hadn't responded to any attempts at conversation.