Lonely Hearts Club Gifts

ONE HORSE TOWN

'This next song's for anyone who's feeling a little lonely right now.'

'I had a very lonely childhood. I was an only twin.'

'Sigh - Yes, I will probably be dying alone.'

"I'm starting to think that no one else is coming."

'Poor fellow. One really is the loneliest number.'

'I find I'm talking to myself a lot these days.'

A depressing washing up rota.

'I HATE Spring cleaning!'

'Oh, it's from my new pen pal on the other island.'

'The last brontosaurus on earth unable to understand why he can't get a date for Saturday night.'

Drinking Companions

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just big on personal space.'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

'Dad has lamb's-quarter, pigweed, sheep sorrel, chickweed and buckhorn, and we can't even have a dog.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

Snub Marine

"I wonder why the kids named me Mourinho? I hope it's not because I'll only last a few days..."

"Sorry - you're just not my type...!"

"Plenty of fish"

'Is this the Lonely Hearts Club?'

Cricket wife's revenge 9

I use to file your expenses at the office Mr. Henderson, but I never dreamed I'd be one of them.

'Some people don't like working from home - they go a bit mad with the solitude.But I've got you, haven't I Mr Floppity Ears.'

'I told you that nobody would show up.'

First singles bar! 'I ain't married!'

Liverpool FC Chairman - "It's Man United, they want to know if we've any trophy cabinets going spare."