Lighthearted Sage Gifts

"Behold the secret to happiness."

British savings accounts

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

Lady of the bath...

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

Turning Japanese: I really think so.

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

'Hey, wait a minute...Apples aren't indigenous to this geopraphical region.'

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

The Paper Route

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

Voltaire

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

"First order of business...no more memos beginning 'Once Upon a Time.'"

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

Three Witches from Macbeth

"Less roman, more clef."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

Justice

"Time to administer scout leader first aid protocol..."

"It doesn't say, son, who they pawned the kittens off on after the flood."

The 11th Commandment

Bishop with a crozier case.