Life Achievement Analyst Gifts

'Postpartum depression really hits you the day they turn 30, don't have a job and still live at home.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Crap from the future.

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

Modern Life Blues

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Postcards from Heaven...

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

"Very funny."

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

"I hope your day is going bad."

"Honey, I'm home."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

Damned if you do...

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

'Earth became too small. I had to opt for a bigger planet for hell.'