Life Stage Analyst Gifts

'Can you imagine anything worse...'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Crap from the future.

Grand. Baby Grand. Toddler Grand. Teen Grand.

"You are still here."

Modern Life Blues

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

Truthfully, I'm just a frustrated insurance agent …

"Very funny."

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

'But Mom, can't I just skip puberty and go straight to mid-life crisis?'

'This isn't any comparison to my going through menopause!'

Seven males, ranging in age from a baby to an old man, wait in a line monitored by a uniformed guard.

'You've been having your damn midlife crisis for eighteen years!'

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

"He looks so natural."

"75"

Street sign: 'Life gets even more complicated here to corner.'

'You were a boring accountant in ten previous lives.'

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

'No, I'm not going to hate myself in the morning. I hate myself now!'

Ages of man.

"You haven't had sex since 1959? You shouldn't complain - it's only ten past eight now..."

'Your resume is great - but I'm always suspicious when a good man is easy to find.'

"Pop-up prison."

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

Vending machine offers tea and sympathy

'Hi, I'm Sheldon, and I want to speak to you about perception management!'