Life Achievement Analyst Pillows

'Postpartum depression really hits you the day they turn 30, don't have a job and still live at home.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Crap from the future.

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Modern Life Blues

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Postcards from Heaven...

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

"Very funny."

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

'Earth became too small. I had to opt for a bigger planet for hell.'

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"I hope your day is going bad."

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

Damned if you do...

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"