Kitchen Jesters Pillows

"I vary her diet with a wide variety of pasta shapes."

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

"Good afternoon..."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

Husband bakes a pie

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Gigot de sept heures."

'He's all eyes!'

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"More helium."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

'The blond guy is a forward and the other guy is a wing.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

Spaghetti Mummy

'It must be a milkfish.'

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

Middle Age Spread.

'Can we have a table near a handsome man please?'

"Just how rare is this steak..."

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

'Hoopla!'

'Don't give me that 'hairball' excuse again. Just admit it - you don't like my cooking!'

Beard helper