Kettle Philosopher Gifts

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Remember, you're only as old as your peel."

The Origins of Everything

"Everyone, please welcome our new VP of being promoted and paid lots more than you for no apparent reason!"

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Guess which "squeaky wheel" got another raise.

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

"The corner ledge is reserved for senior management."

Buy one beer, get one free. If I may paraphrase a famous quote, "Beer is proof that God has mixed feelings about us and wants us to be hungover."

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

'I have an MBA, but I've never MBAed.'

"Most of us get around the company motto by saying 'No can do' instead!"

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

"Being my own boss sounds fun but I wouldn't be able to motivate myself."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'When I called her a witch, I had no idea...'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"Must be the new philosophy teacher."

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

"This is a tough place to work..."

"He's still bitter that bottled water ruined his reign as king of the water cooler."