Kettle Philosopher Gifts

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"Everyone, please welcome our new VP of being promoted and paid lots more than you for no apparent reason!"

The Origins of Everything

"The corner ledge is reserved for senior management."

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'I have an MBA, but I've never MBAed.'

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

"Most of us get around the company motto by saying 'No can do' instead!"

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

"Being my own boss sounds fun but I wouldn't be able to motivate myself."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

"He's still bitter that bottled water ruined his reign as king of the water cooler."

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

"This is a tough place to work..."