Kitchen Table Philosopher Gifts

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

The Origins of Everything

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

"Nicole’s parents celebrated her curious mind, even in those moments when it really depressed them."

"So that's where you were last night."

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

'Do I have to give thanks for all the spinach, or just the bite I'm going to eat?'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

He wouldn't be calling the kettle that again.

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

"Sorry no half portions - at least that's the quantum theory."

"And he paraphrased New York Judge Gerard Lynch when he said our country has an overinflated system of incarceration that is far too punitive, disproportionate in its impact on the poor, exceedingly costly and largely impotent in reducing crime. Anyway, that's what I learned in school today."

'Guys, I think this is one of those 'let it go' moments in life when you have to relax and just trust the processor!'

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

'You always say you'll do things tomorrow. . . but you never do.'

"That's your separation anxiety? When the oil separates in your all-natural peanut butter?"

'Why make the cake? If he's the Creationist you say he is, he'll prefer you bought it ready made.'

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

It's crème brûlée, Julia. It doesn't have a subtext.

'When a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out of her nose?'