Justice System Comedian Gifts

'I think you should just plead ignorance, it's so. . . credible.'

This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

"Twenty five years! But your honor,

"One soft drink and eleven stiff drinks."

"Certainly you're entitled to justice, if you can show that you deserve it."

"The genius of the justice system for us is that everyone has the right to a lawyer."

"This is too hard, but I'd recognize him on his own."

'It's innocent or guilty. There are no do-overs.'

"Before we begin today, may I say that both my client and I were astonished that Your Honor was not nominated for the Supreme Court?"

"We need two crates of lager and a bottle of scotch."

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to have your butt kicked.'

A Judicial Error. (Judge has hit his thumb with his gavel.)

"Move to strike as non-responsive."

"'Somewhere in between' is not an acceptable plea."

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

'How come you lock up the jury overnight, and send the prisoner home?'

"I want to thank all of you for a fair trial and if you're ever up Leavenworth way don't fail to drop in and see me."

Adult Crime, Childish Thinking Time

The hearings on the Supreme Court vacancy will now come to order..."

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

"May we have a recess your honor? My client's pants are on fire."

'Sure, NOW they tell us!'

Court. No, you only get an attorney. You can't have a court appointed girlfriend.

'The Jury has found you not guilty of robbery.'

'We request a change of venue to a place where the juries are more naive.'

'Since prisons are full, I'm sentencing you to 5 years of Jury Duty.'

"The jails were all full so they sent me to an open prison."

"I've rented the extra room to an escaped convict - maybe you know him."

"Could my client be innocent? Probably not. My point is it's interesting to think about."

'You can plead 'guilty,' or you can plead 'not guilty' - You can't plead 'no big deal'!'

'When I offered the bribe, Your Honor, I was just being polite.'

Arrested outside the grisly scene, Ms. Goody Two-Shoes uttered, "I'll be out in no time. I got no priors."

Boy with policeman - "That's Kevin's new tagging device!"