Judicial Humorists Gifts

'I'm sure the Senate will affirm my action.'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

Loopholes

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

Justice

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

Fairtale prosecutions.

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

Antonin Scalia

"Impartiality becomes you."

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."