Judicial Humor Gifts

A Good, But Not A Supreme Court

'You claim deprivation led to this crime?!' 'I was deprived of a dvd player.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

Antonin Scalia

"Impartiality becomes you."

'I wonder what the statue of limitations is on something like this?'

"Mr. Evans, it's a speeding ticket. You can't plea insanity."

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

"We find the defendant 'guilty', …. not that there's anything wrong with that."

Judge

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

'I warned you counselor, no more tricks.'

"Guilty times infinity."

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

'My client is requesting a little more wiggle room,your Honor.'

"So, I’d love for us to think of this as less of a trial and more of a curated trial experience."

"As a mitigating circumstance, may I say that my client's getaway car was a hybrid."

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Sometimes I wish Daddy wasn't a bankruptcy lawyer. No matter what book he reads to me, he's only interested in chapter 11.'

Quasi-legal Pad.

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

'I like my plea bargain better. I plead guilty and you dismiss the charges.'

'If the verdict is guilty, Mr. Foreman, simply say 'Guilty.' Please refrain from shouting 'Yer outta here'....'