Judicial Comedy Gifts

'I'm afraid Mohican haircuts are a no-no in my court, Mister Ponsonby-Smythe!'

A baby in court

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

Antonin Scalia

"Impartiality becomes you."

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

Judge

I hate these he shed, she shed cases.

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

'Ladies and Gentlemen of the press- what is your verdict...?'

'How do you want me to answer that question, Norm? As an attorney, or as your best friend?'

'He tripped over a pavement sign that said 'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?' So he called the number and sued them'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

'We find the defendant guilty, the defense a showboater and the DA a legal mal-practitioner.'

"This jury finds the accused not guilty provided he tells us where he has hidden the money."

'Your Honor, I'm sure you'll agree that imposing bail in this case is wholly unnecessary, given that my client poses no flight risk.'

'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

I have to wear these because I saw my eye doctor this morning. What's your excuse? Excuse? I've got the best excuse in the world: I dig Roy Orbison!

About That Lifetime Appointment Thing

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

'Since when is good will towards men a crime?'

'I'm sentencing you to 100 hours of community service. Be at Twin Lakes Country Club at 8am sharp. I need a caddy.'

Babies look so innocent. The trick is finding a really cranky jury.

'As to my clients guilt... let me be perfectly vague.'

"I really appreciate being named lead prosecutor on the Dog vs Cat case."

attorney at law