Judicial Comedy Gifts

'I'm afraid Mohican haircuts are a no-no in my court, Mister Ponsonby-Smythe!'

A baby in court

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

"Impartiality becomes you."

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

Antonin Scalia

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

Judge

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

'Ladies and Gentlemen of the press- what is your verdict...?'

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

'How do you want me to answer that question, Norm? As an attorney, or as your best friend?'

'He tripped over a pavement sign that said 'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?' So he called the number and sued them'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

"This jury finds the accused not guilty provided he tells us where he has hidden the money."

'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

'We find the defendant guilty, the defense a showboater and the DA a legal mal-practitioner.'

'Your Honor, I'm sure you'll agree that imposing bail in this case is wholly unnecessary, given that my client poses no flight risk.'

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

attorney at law

"You declared him to be a hostile witness, your honor."

'As to my clients guilt... let me be perfectly vague.'

Babies look so innocent. The trick is finding a really cranky jury.

'Since when is good will towards men a crime?'

'I'm sentencing you to 100 hours of community service. Be at Twin Lakes Country Club at 8am sharp. I need a caddy.'

"I really appreciate being named lead prosecutor on the Dog vs Cat case."