Legal Comedy Gifts

"Sue me"

"Calm down! This wood doll is the best attorney ourcompany ever had."

'Your accident can't be accepted as an industrial accident because you didn't wear your hard hat.'

'Since when is good will towards men a crime?'

'The only character witness is a video rental clerk who will testify you always rewound your videotapes.'

'I helped put her through law school, and now she's suing me for divorce!'

"You can't object, you're a juror."

"I'm acting as my own attorney, may I act as my own jailer too?"

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

Barristers

"Bailiff."

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"We make crime pay."

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

A baby in court

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

"At least he's honest about it..."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

Baby's first words.