Legal Comedians Gifts

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"I plan to read the constitution this weekend. Is it long?"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

Loopholes

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

Justice

'Might I caution you on suing the defendant for damages...such action is fraught with difficulty, given your 'hand-me-down' status in his family!!'

Fairtale prosecutions.

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

Jurors saying 'I'm on the jury' on their mobiles.

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."