Law-themed Humorists Gifts

"The visual aids budget is a little low."

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

Loopholes

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

Justice

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

Fairtale prosecutions.

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"No, officer, I don' t know how fast I was driving. I had my head sticking out of the window."

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."