Legal Comedian Gifts

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one "bad dog" is sufficient."

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

Gary turns 40.

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"We make crime pay."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

A baby in court

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

Loopholes

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'