Legal Humorist Gifts

'My dog ate my opinion.'

"I'd like to have myself declared legally blonde."

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

'One last time Mr Gallagher, 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' is not, nor will it ever be, an acceptable legal precedent.'

'I can't believe she left everything to that stupid parakeet!'

Plaque on judge's desk: 'No tipping.'

'I didn't hire a lawyer, but I found a neuroscientist who can explain why it wasn't my fault.'

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'Since you insist on defending yourself, I feel April first would be an appropriate trial date...'

Lawyer to client: 'I'm afraid your claim to have chipped a tooth on the Swiss cheese has too many holes in it.'

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Danger! Litigators, retrieve golf balls at your own risk.

'Today's specials are based on information that we believe to be reliable, but are not intended to be, nor should be construed to be, a recommendation.'

'Need I remind you, Doctor, that you signed over intellectual property rights to the lab?'

"Say, isn't that the guy who used to draft legal documents at our law firm?"

'It's a pretty nice warrant, all right, but I wouldn't call it 'outstanding'.'

'It's the antitrust commission dear, they say we have to get divorced!'

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of cultural relativism.'

'We can appeal.'

"As unbelievable as it may seem to you today, this court was once a puppy, too."

Bailiff, swearing in witness in court: 'Do you swear to spin the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?'

'At the end of that round the score now stands at...'

"I'm not technically a quote-unquote lawyer, but I do own a paper shredder and have visited several prisons."

"And, just to be on the safe side, tongue of attorney."

'No need to text me your answer to that. I'm right here.'

'This old geezer has an age discrimination suit, your honor.'

"Sorry, we're not that kind of circuit court."

'Yeah, but look at the money we saved by your acting as your own attorney.'

"Don't get cute with me, counsellor."

"And finally after you've read the will, laugh out loud and say I changed my mind and it's all been given to the dog."

'That's not what I thought you meant when you said you expect to obtain a small settlement today.'

When real estate lawyers dabble in criminal law.

'My client pleads insanity, Your Honor. He must be insane, he paid me in advance.'