Legal Humor Enthusiast Gifts

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

'Objection! The Prosecution is attempting to lead the witness!'

'I'm not going to lie to you. We've been having our share of legal problems.'

'R. Jones, layman. Available as a non-expert witness in court cases.'

"It's from my attorney."

'My client pleads not guilty by reason of still being in denial.'

The Lawyer Fairy

'Your honor, my client feels you should recuse yourself as he is a cat person.'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

'Through no fault of my own, I have a tendency to shade the truth.'

'Sorry, but the Court does not recognize the principle of 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'.'

"The last thing you want to do while on the stand is pull a temper tantrum."

'Look, we don't want any trouble! All we ask is that you sign this release form in case you get hurt while you burglarize our house.'

Lawsuits

"If it please the court, I'd like to act as my own plucky young female attorney."

'Waiter, there's a subpoena in my soup!'

'Everytime the lawyers tell their old jokes they end up arguing over copyright infringement.'

'... and you say sorry for blowing raspberries during his closing address.'

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

'Why, first thing on Monday mornings, do I always get someone who can't enunciate very well?'

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

Low Class Action Suit

'The jail cells are full, so I'm going to let you off with a colonscopy...'

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

'Twenty years? -- is there anything I can do for extra credit?'

'Apparently, he's right. He's not contractually obliged to 'like' us on Facebook!'

'Okay I am going to allow this surprise witness.'

"A personal injury lawyer whose will stated he wanted one last chase."

'Your Honor, he's badgering the witness!'

'We can prove there is an indiscriminate use of your image and that you are entitled to proper compensation.'

'Criticising your snowman isn't defamation of character, Thompson'

'Chasing cars without a license, your Honor.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

"I wish I could believe that you're really, really sorry."