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Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

'Objection! The Prosecution is attempting to lead the witness!'

'I'm not going to lie to you. We've been having our share of legal problems.'

'R. Jones, layman. Available as a non-expert witness in court cases.'

"It's from my attorney."

The Lawyer Fairy

'My client pleads not guilty by reason of still being in denial.'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

'Your honor, my client feels you should recuse yourself as he is a cat person.'

'Through no fault of my own, I have a tendency to shade the truth.'

"The last thing you want to do while on the stand is pull a temper tantrum."

'Sorry, but the Court does not recognize the principle of 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'.'

"If it please the court, I'd like to act as my own plucky young female attorney."

Lawsuits

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

'Waiter, there's a subpoena in my soup!'

'... and you say sorry for blowing raspberries during his closing address.'

'Everytime the lawyers tell their old jokes they end up arguing over copyright infringement.'

Low Class Action Suit

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

'Why, first thing on Monday mornings, do I always get someone who can't enunciate very well?'

'Chasing cars without a license, your Honor.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'He's competent in every regard, except to stand trial.'

'We can prove there is an indiscriminate use of your image and that you are entitled to proper compensation.'

'Your Honor, he's badgering the witness!'

'Twenty years? -- is there anything I can do for extra credit?'

"A personal injury lawyer whose will stated he wanted one last chase."

'Criticising your snowman isn't defamation of character, Thompson'

'Okay I am going to allow this surprise witness.'

'The jail cells are full, so I'm going to let you off with a colonscopy...'

At the Court House Cafeteria the Special of the Day is 'Due Processed Cheese Sandwich with Plea Bargaining Chips.'

"What do you do for a living? I sue people. So you're an attorney? No I just sue people."

"I wish I could believe that you're really, really sorry."