Humorist In Law Gifts

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Your honor, my client requests the maximum bail possible so that he can post it with his frequent-flier credit card.'

'I've been sued. Can I counter-sue for the stress caused by being sued?'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

Loopholes

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

Justice

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

Fairtale prosecutions.

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

'At first it was a few dollars here and a few dollars there. Then I realized I'd have to pay my lawyer.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"No, officer, I don' t know how fast I was driving. I had my head sticking out of the window."

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."